Dr. Strangesсhiff, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Impeachment

Who could have guessed that the words of Soviet secret police chief Lavrentiy Beria to Joseph Stalin, “Show me the man, and I will show you the crime,” would be strangely embodied in American politics and jurisprudence in the 21st century?  Moreover, according to Dr. Strangesсhiff — congressman, chairman, and commissar — these wonderful words have recently found their way into the U.S. Constitution.

Secret impeachment would seem to be a new idea, but the curious Dr. Strangesсhiff borrowed it from the closed Soviet trials of dissidents, “enemies of the people,” and other “undesirable elements.”

Bravo, comrade Strangesсhiff!  Please, continue the Orange Man trial behind closed doors.  After all, the American people are ecstatic about closed hearings without access by journalists or lawyers.  They are also especially fond of the removal of the president based on an anonymous gossip-monger, or two, or three.  The number of blabbers is not important, since the transcripts of their testimonies will never be published (not because they are not there, but because that is exactly what the intent was).

How familiar…

The impeachment trials by the troika of Strangesсhiff, Loudspeaker, and Jabba-the-Dem take place in the basement of the Lubyanka Capitol.  Citizens of the country are not allowed in the basement trial of their president.  Secret investigation, followed by a secret court, and then…secret execution.  Furthermore, all these actions are in the same basement.  In the 21st century, it is the basement of the Capitol.

How familiar…

When presenting the case of impeachment to his committee, Chairman Strangesсhiff used a specially written parody of the conversation between Orange Man and the president of Ukraine instead of the declassified and officially published text.  The word “clowning” comes to mind, but the Strangeschiff clan never joke.  They deal only with serious anti-American and revolutionary affairs.  For example, in 1917, one of Strangeschiff’s relatives, a banker, paid all travel expenses for the family idol, communist Leo Trotsky, to move from New York to Russia, where he became one of the leaders of the communist coup.  When Trotsky was arrested while crossing the Canadian border, he had 10 thousand dollars on him (about 200 thousand dollars at the current rate).

Nevertheless, the actions of the self-appointed troika are getting funnier every day.  Recently, they began to invite witnesses, who at the time of the “committing of the crime” had not been White House employees for a long time.  They did not and could not possibly see or hear anything.  Excellent selection of witnesses, Comrade Chairman!  Anonymous whistlers who refuse to give official testimony are a great contribution to the reputation of the Democratic Party, Comrade Strangesсhiff.

Dr. Strangesсhiff spends public resources on a private, non-governmental, and illegitimate project.  There is no formal impeachment process because nobody has voted for it.  Therefore, the Strangeschiff troika does not even have the legal authority to subpoena anyone to testify.  The other day, the third-rate Loudspeaker once again confirmed that there has not been nor will there be any official vote on impeachment.

The horror of the situation is that the Democrats, without realizing it, began to win the indirect competition with McCarthy’s anti-communist investigations of the 1950s.  Previously, the phrase “witch hunt” was firmly (although not always deservedly) associated with McCarthy, but now Strangesсhiff and his accomplices, who are haunted by fame, efficiency, and (brief) impunity of the Stalinist troikas, have taken the palm.

Bravo, comrade Strangesсhiff! The permanent impeachment is a permanent gift for the Orange Man that keeps on giving.  Gathering evidence of the guilt of Orange Man from second- and thirdhand accounts is an excellent strategy, my dear revolutionary commissars.  All of these anonymous informers are just fine.  The Politburo appreciates your achievements!  Moreover, the opinion that Commissar Strangeschiff is making the most miserable attempt at impeachment in American history is simply a slander by those who have not yet been to the re-education camp.

The secret virtual impeachment was originally conceived by the Democrats as their golden ticket to the winning 2020 election.  Alas, they were forced to drastically change their plans as soon as they learned about the investigation by the U.S. Department of Justice of the origins of the “Russian Dossier.”  Now the creatures of the Washington swamp are participating in a race for survival.  They are trying with all their might to find a worthy political counterweight to real prison terms both for the government espionage against political opponents and for an attempted palace coup.  The fact that they chose the heavy artillery — impeachment — shows how highly they value themselves for the gravity of their violations of the law, all while following the orders of Comrade Hussein ibn-Kenyan.

Closed trials have taken place in the past.  In most cases, those who were eventually planned to be exchanged — spies or politicians — were tried behind closed doors.  What exchange are the Democrat commissars counting on?

If members of the Capitol Politburo expect to find something in Orange Man’s biography to remove him from the presidency, they will be greatly disappointed.  The fact is that Orange Man declared his candidacy in 2015.  However, he began planning a move to the White House when he turned fifty.  Furthermore, over the past quarter-century, his staff and his lawyers have completely “cleared out” all potential “dark spots” in his life.

They worked slowly but thoroughly.  Someone got money, someone got a position, and someone got publicity.  Everyone got what he wanted.  That is why the numerous attempts to find some dirt on Orange Man are a futile undertaking.  In fact, not one of Orange Man’s many confirmed mistresses has so far confronted him (and those who spoke out turned out to be fakes).

Over the past three years, Democrats have called for a recession, stock market crash, nuclear war, the assassination of the president and his family, the rape of his daughter, the rape of his wife, the bombing of the White House, impeachment and rioting, all to fuel the process of the Sovietization of America.

After the debacle with the Special Counsel Mueller investigation, from whom we learned that Orange Man is not, in fact, a marionette of the nano-führer Putin, and Mueller himself is only the figurehead of the “Down with the Orange Man” gang, it can be assumed that Comrade Strangeschiff is the same inconspicuous figurehead.  By the way, the current troika of commissars does not use anything that was dug up by Mueller’s anti-Trump team for the bluffpeachment.

Is everything happening in the basement of the Capitol a mockery of the impeachment process?  Of course.  However, most of all, Americans are interested in only one question: what kind of trick will the Democrats come up with after the hocus-pocus of a permanent palace coup, permanent impeachment, and permanent figurehead fails again?

[Originally published at American Thinker]

16 thoughts on “Dr. Strangesсhiff, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Impeachment”

  1. There is no impeachment trial yet. It is still all in the stage of investigation and therefore the main premise of this article (albeit a satirical one) is all wrong. Adam Schiff is just following the current House rules. There are plenty of Republicans (over 40 if I am not mistaken) plus their staff present in that room behind the closed doors. Also, the “closed doors” rule was actually enacted in 2015 by then Republican majority of the House.

    1. Полностью согласен с Thruth Seeker. Я насчитал 47 Республиканцев в трех Комитетах за закрытыми дверями. О каких же секретных от Республиканцев слушаниях может идти речь?

      P. S. Не хочу обидеть автора статей. Просто к слову пришлось.

      Как физик физику.

      Есть такой Закон Брандолини, «Невыносимая Асимметрия Брехни»

      ( «Unbearable Asymmetry of Bullshit”)

      « Количество энергии, необходимой чтобы опровергнуть брехню на порядок

      больше энергии, затраченной на ее сочинение».

      ( Brandolini’s Law, Unbearable Asymmetry of Bullshit:

      “The amount of energy needed to refute bullshit is an order of magnitude bigger than to produce it.”)

      Именно благодаря этой закономерности ложь имеет большое преимущество в борьбе с правдой

    2. “Whereas, for the impeachment investigations of President
      Richard M. Nixon and President William J. Clinton, the
      House Judiciary Committee adopted rules of procedure to
      provide due process rights and ensure fairness;

      Whereas these rights included—

      (1) allowing the President to be represented by
      counsel;
      (2) permitting the President’s counsel to be present
      at all hearings and depositions;
      (3) permitting the President’s counsel to present evidence and object to the admission of evidence;
      (4) allowing the President’s counsel to call and
      cross-examine witnesses; and
      (5) giving the President’s counsel access to, and the
      ability to respond to, the evidence adduced by the Committee;

      Whereas, by contrast, the House’s current impeachment ‘‘inquiry’’ provides none of these basic rights and protections
      to President Trump;

      Whereas the main allegations against President Trump are
      based on assertions and testimony from witnesses whom
      he is unable to confront, as part of a process in which
      he is not able to offer witnesses in his defense or have
      a basic understanding of the allegations lodged against
      him; ”

      https://www.judiciary.senate.gov/imo/media/doc/PAT19928.pdf

      1. You, Mr. Gindler, use wrong pervoistochninki, one of them as wrong as the official letter by US Senators. Your critics, Thruth [sic] Seeker & Mike, obviously prilnuli to real genuine conduits of truth – CNN & MSNBC.

        As a non-physicist I am not familiar with Brandolini’s Law, but as a student of history heard of the guy by the name of Winston Churchill: “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” The lie about President Trump already travels the world for the last three years but, it looks like Barr, Durham, and Horowitz finally getting their pants on.

        Can’t wait to see how the aforementioned istoki from Ministry of Truth gonna spin it for their gullible consumers…

      2. “Open Hearings (Clause 2(g)(2) and Clause 2(k)(5) of Rule XI) – Hearings must be open to the public and the media unless the committee or subcommittee, in open session and with a majority of its Members present, decides by a record vote that all or part of that day’s hearing should be closed because disclosure would:

        defame, degrade or incriminate any person,
        endanger national security,
        compromise sensitive law enforcement information, or
        violate a rule of the House.”

        https://rules.house.gov/sites/democrats.rules.house.gov/files/documents/Archives/class2_ho.htm

        Inquiries into Bill Clinton and Richard Nixon both featured sessions behind closed doors.

        These hearing are conducted with accordance to the current House rules and past precedents.

        Mr. Trump has openly (and secretly) threatened and tried to intimidate witnesses and investigators before, so those sessions behind closed doors are totally warranted.

  2. Are there any sound engineers out there who can doctor it to replace the name Obama to Trump? Would make a great commercial. LOL 🙂

  3. Is this длинношеее really an offspring of that patriarch Jacob Schiff? Financier Peter Schiff fits the family traits much better.

  4. Thanks, Great satire.
    I’m not sure that many Russian readers know
    Dr. Strangelove movie, but they definitely heard
    about secret “troika” trials.

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