Dr. Strangesсhiff, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Impeachment

Who could have guessed that the words of Soviet secret police chief Lavrentiy Beria to Joseph Stalin, “Show me the man, and I will show you the crime,” would be strangely embodied in American politics and jurisprudence in the 21st century?  Moreover, according to Dr. Strangesсhiff — congressman, chairman, and commissar — these wonderful words have recently found their way into the U.S. Constitution.

Secret impeachment would seem to be a new idea, but the curious Dr. Strangesсhiff borrowed it from the closed Soviet trials of dissidents, “enemies of the people,” and other “undesirable elements.”

Bravo, comrade Strangesсhiff!  Please, continue the Orange Man trial behind closed doors.  After all, the American people are ecstatic about closed hearings without access by journalists or lawyers.  They are also especially fond of the removal of the president based on an anonymous gossip-monger, or two, or three.  The number of blabbers is not important, since the transcripts of their testimonies will never be published (not because they are not there, but because that is exactly what the intent was).

How familiar…

The impeachment trials by the troika of Strangesсhiff, Loudspeaker, and Jabba-the-Dem take place in the basement of the Lubyanka Capitol.  Citizens of the country are not allowed in the basement trial of their president.  Secret investigation, followed by a secret court, and then…secret execution.  Furthermore, all these actions are in the same basement.  In the 21st century, it is the basement of the Capitol.

How familiar…

When presenting the case of impeachment to his committee, Chairman Strangesсhiff used a specially written parody of the conversation between Orange Man and the president of Ukraine instead of the declassified and officially published text.  The word “clowning” comes to mind, but the Strangeschiff clan never joke.  They deal only with serious anti-American and revolutionary affairs.  For example, in 1917, one of Strangeschiff’s relatives, a banker, paid all travel expenses for the family idol, communist Leo Trotsky, to move from New York to Russia, where he became one of the leaders of the communist coup.  When Trotsky was arrested while crossing the Canadian border, he had 10 thousand dollars on him (about 200 thousand dollars at the current rate).

Nevertheless, the actions of the self-appointed troika are getting funnier every day.  Recently, they began to invite witnesses, who at the time of the “committing of the crime” had not been White House employees for a long time.  They did not and could not possibly see or hear anything.  Excellent selection of witnesses, Comrade Chairman!  Anonymous whistlers who refuse to give official testimony are a great contribution to the reputation of the Democratic Party, Comrade Strangesсhiff.

Dr. Strangesсhiff spends public resources on a private, non-governmental, and illegitimate project.  There is no formal impeachment process because nobody has voted for it.  Therefore, the Strangeschiff troika does not even have the legal authority to subpoena anyone to testify.  The other day, the third-rate Loudspeaker once again confirmed that there has not been nor will there be any official vote on impeachment.

The horror of the situation is that the Democrats, without realizing it, began to win the indirect competition with McCarthy’s anti-communist investigations of the 1950s.  Previously, the phrase “witch hunt” was firmly (although not always deservedly) associated with McCarthy, but now Strangesсhiff and his accomplices, who are haunted by fame, efficiency, and (brief) impunity of the Stalinist troikas, have taken the palm.

Bravo, comrade Strangesсhiff! The permanent impeachment is a permanent gift for the Orange Man that keeps on giving.  Gathering evidence of the guilt of Orange Man from second- and thirdhand accounts is an excellent strategy, my dear revolutionary commissars.  All of these anonymous informers are just fine.  The Politburo appreciates your achievements!  Moreover, the opinion that Commissar Strangeschiff is making the most miserable attempt at impeachment in American history is simply a slander by those who have not yet been to the re-education camp.

The secret virtual impeachment was originally conceived by the Democrats as their golden ticket to the winning 2020 election.  Alas, they were forced to drastically change their plans as soon as they learned about the investigation by the U.S. Department of Justice of the origins of the “Russian Dossier.”  Now the creatures of the Washington swamp are participating in a race for survival.  They are trying with all their might to find a worthy political counterweight to real prison terms both for the government espionage against political opponents and for an attempted palace coup.  The fact that they chose the heavy artillery — impeachment — shows how highly they value themselves for the gravity of their violations of the law, all while following the orders of Comrade Hussein ibn-Kenyan.

Closed trials have taken place in the past.  In most cases, those who were eventually planned to be exchanged — spies or politicians — were tried behind closed doors.  What exchange are the Democrat commissars counting on?

If members of the Capitol Politburo expect to find something in Orange Man’s biography to remove him from the presidency, they will be greatly disappointed.  The fact is that Orange Man declared his candidacy in 2015.  However, he began planning a move to the White House when he turned fifty.  Furthermore, over the past quarter-century, his staff and his lawyers have completely “cleared out” all potential “dark spots” in his life.

They worked slowly but thoroughly.  Someone got money, someone got a position, and someone got publicity.  Everyone got what he wanted.  That is why the numerous attempts to find some dirt on Orange Man are a futile undertaking.  In fact, not one of Orange Man’s many confirmed mistresses has so far confronted him (and those who spoke out turned out to be fakes).

Over the past three years, Democrats have called for a recession, stock market crash, nuclear war, the assassination of the president and his family, the rape of his daughter, the rape of his wife, the bombing of the White House, impeachment and rioting, all to fuel the process of the Sovietization of America.

After the debacle with the Special Counsel Mueller investigation, from whom we learned that Orange Man is not, in fact, a marionette of the nano-führer Putin, and Mueller himself is only the figurehead of the “Down with the Orange Man” gang, it can be assumed that Comrade Strangeschiff is the same inconspicuous figurehead.  By the way, the current troika of commissars does not use anything that was dug up by Mueller’s anti-Trump team for the bluffpeachment.

Is everything happening in the basement of the Capitol a mockery of the impeachment process?  Of course.  However, most of all, Americans are interested in only one question: what kind of trick will the Democrats come up with after the hocus-pocus of a permanent palace coup, permanent impeachment, and permanent figurehead fails again?

[Originally published at American Thinker]